We’re All Guilty of Toxic Positivity - But How Does it Look In a Digital Age?
There is a term I came across recently, ‘toxic positivity’. It raises a lot of questions. How can positivity be toxic? Positive seems to go against ‘toxic’, surely? However, there are extremes in every situation. That can-do attitude where everything is fine and awesome can actually be harmful to yourself and others. Where this really starts to come to light is online. Especially with students. Especially on social media. This is without a doubt the place where I feel the most toxicity. Social media is a form of escapism where one literally builds a profile. It provides a possibility to build appearances that you may have always wanted for yourself. It can be creative and positive of course, but it can also negatively affect people and yourself in the process. This is what I have come across in my experience anyway.
What is toxic positivity?
By definition, toxic positivity is the normalisation of constant happiness that results in the denial and invalidation of authentic emotions. Basically, it’s acting as if those sad, down moments in our lives don’t exist at all. Other people covering up their sadness with Instagram posts and happy Facebook statuses. Covering feelings and emotions with something fake and forceful.
Doesn’t sound particularly appealing, does it? But it happens without us even knowing. Right from when we are first entering a social world, we are told to never say you can’t do something. We are told to put on a brave face. And that somehow this builds character. But it also builds the fear of asking for help. Perhaps, like me, you put up a front rather than ask for help. Perhaps, like me, the idea of not being able to do it yourself makes you lose all faith in yourself. Perhaps even now you lose faith in yourself if you feel you cannot do something without relying on someone else. This feeling could be following you around and embedding itself online. You rely on what you see online as the truth. But online deceives us. It’s one of the most open and closed off places to be. Open because the possibilities are endless, closed off because it’s not all true! Everything we see on these sites is doctored to how the profile owner wants. And so those reasons we tell ourselves to not ask for help remain because even online it looks like nobody else.
The issue lies in toxic comparisons:
I hate constant comparisons that arise from social media. It’s enough online let alone in reality. In real life we have the physical sizing up of each other. Or, most recently for me, the constant comparing of grades, “what did you get?”, “did you get your mark?”, “I got [blank], how did you do?”. It feels extra pressure and makes everything feel linked. Marks feel linked to employment which feels linked to success which then links to all these positive lies and lives we see on social media. Everything is rooted in toxic comparisons.
The truth is, on all of these sites, we only see what people want us to see. Like a broken record, it’s not honest and it’s not helpful to yourself or others. It’s not asking for help; it’s hiding behind a can-do attitude. I think it should just be enough to know that social media can be harmful. That not everyone presents themselves in their most honest settings. Take right now, I am sat with a laptop on my lap and Netflix on. It’s not ‘Instagram Worthy’ (whatever that actually means) so I won’t post about it. But what if I did? People would just start to realise that life doesn’t have to be glamorised. If we minimise the pressure of having to communicate only successes, then we can share and help each other grow rather than pushing each other down without even realising it. That’s the rubbish thing. We don’t even realise the toxic positivity in ourselves. Of course, we can celebrate the positives but it should be balanced with the negatives, the struggles we face. Otherwise, we are all caught in an endless cycle of trying to impress through things that don’t even matter i.e. social media profiles that don’t represent the true us.
Honesty is key:
Asking for help should be the norm, being honest and open the main focus of communication. Toxic positivity derives from the opposite. It’s a cover and a mask of any honesty.
It’s a trap! I’m sure we are all used to that constant scrolling, through photo after photo, or story after story, to end up feeling like our lives don’t match the people around us. And then we are drawn into trying to make it match. Posting things that don’t necessarily represent everything going on in our lives. I am so guilty of this! I don’t want to let on that my life isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Why should I!? Everyone around me is living their best lives or they at least seem to be. This brings me back to honesty. If we are more honest about our true feelings, our true happenings, then we would acknowledge that supporting people and having honest conversations is so important.
Be proud of your struggles:
There are other things in our lives that are so much more valuable. Our experiences away from social media, things we are proud of, honestly and truly proud of, things we have overcome. I know it’s easier said than done. It always is. Just now in an interview, I was asked, “What are you most proud of”. I was taken aback. Most proud of? I thought for a moment. I’m proud of a lot and then again not. I ended up replying that I am proud of those things that I struggled with and overcame not for anyone else but for me, that I put my mind to and beat and didn’t feel a need to share. And now, when I look back on those things, I’d say they are one of the best experiences of my life. Now, I’d rather celebrate those struggles and learning experiences than share a smiling fake-happy face of myself. Celebrating struggles openly will only encourage learning to be honest. And, I know it’s easier if we all suddenly came to a conclusive realisation that actually we don’t need to post only the positives, and that the struggles should be celebrated more. Of course, I still get caught up in the toxic positives. But I’m trying to learn that there is so much more behind what people want me to see.
About the author:
Jessie Rosenberg is a recent American literature and Creative Writing graduate from the University of East Anglia. After studying in New York for a year she grounded her passion for creating all types of content - writing, art, mixed media. The opportunity to write about mental wellbeing is extremely important to her especially in the way it opens honest conversations. Jessie is creative through and through and enjoys creating work that highlights things that may not always be seen.
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