Sink or Swim? My Journey of Self Development and Discovery
What is that you want to do? What do you desire so much in this life that you are willing to give every last drop just to get it?
How far will you go, what will you endure to make the intangible, tangible? What do you have to do to get it?
What do you have to become or overcome for it to be achieved? What do you have to leave behind or crawl towards for it to become a reality?
All very big, and sometimes intimidating questions. Great questions nonetheless.
Another way of asking is, what DON’T I want? Sometimes, we are unsure of what we want, but if we take stock of our life now, relationships, finances, career, habits etc. I am sure that we could readily identify what we could do WITHOUT.
Recently, I have come to understand, and accept, is that where I am, right now, in all of the above is by my own design, and whether I like it or not, I am living the life that I created, based upon my hard wired ways of reliving the past, in my present, in turn creating my future based on my past experiences. A predictable future, and an albeit pretty disappointing one.
So, if what is in front of you right now is not what you want. What is it that you really want?
The past couple of years, I have embarked on a journey of self-development, and getting to grips with my emotions and identifying my triggers. What inspires me, and what inhibits me. The one thing that keeps coming up, for me anyway, is that in order to grow and move forward, I find it very uncomfortable. That’s the ego rejecting the new thought pattern, or actions taken against my usual familiar routine. Moving from comfort to discomfort. A bad day for the ego is a great day for the soul.
I’m a very normal guy, who likes to have a laugh at most things in life, however, there is a side to me that leans towards the dark and brooding side of the moon. An optimistic pessimist is what I would proudly proclaim. The reality being that I was scared of taking any real chances. Significant risks that, be they successful or not, I would be experiencing the real gravy of life. EXPERIENCE!
I lived my life in the waiting place, and was expecting opportunities to just present themselves, and fall into my lap. On occasion, this did happen, and true to form, they went unnoticed, or I blew it (sabotage!) in order to go back to the sanctuary of blaming it on others or circumstances that were beyond my control further galvanising my woe is me mentality.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not out of the woods yet. Some days are clearer than others, and I make real progress, but I am aware that every journey starts with a single step. The most important thing is to KEEP ON STEPPING. Everyday.
Photo by Lindsay Henwood on Unsplash
The biggest saboteur in all of this will be you, and only you. The reward of your weapon of choice take-away after being diligent with your eating and exercise throughout the week. Slippery slope. The just one more episode on your favourite streaming platform, as you’ve put the work in needed to endeavour towards your best life. Slippery slope. Not reaching out to the people that you know will inspire you, and also not take any of your self-deprecating shite. Slippery slope. So on and so on. All slopes that I have slipped, am slipping on and will slip on again no doubt.
“You should never halt progress, no matter how slow”. - Plato
I always felt that applied to others around me who didn’t believe that the progress I was making was significant in their eyes. For me, I now realise that is more of a direct correlation of our own internal chatter. I have always quit when the going got too tough, and I could have been three feet from gold. So close!
My life has been a rudderless one, and I believe that contributed massively to my state of mind, and my questionable life choices. However, I have managed to meet the woman I was destined to be with and have two amazing sons who bring me so much joy (and frustration!) every day. My family makes me feel alive. So I better start living. I now have so much that I want to accomplish, and I am almost certainly going to fall flat on my face many times, but I will make sure that I always fall FORWARD. Get back up, accept and learn from that particular tumble, and get stepping.
A way that works for me to gain clarity on what I want, and where I want to head is to get down in front of me what I want, and what I don’t want. What I am willing to do, and what I am not willing to do. The things I am not willing to do could be working longer hours and not spending time with my family, or getting up at 5am everyday to get myself straight for the day. The things I am willing to do could be the opposite of the above as it could be what makes or breaks my future.
Another thing that I do is I find people who have GONE THROUGH THIS ALREADY, and are doing it daily. There is no shame in learning through someone else’s experiences if it is going to get you where you need to be faster.
Also, I am doing more things that push me out of the comfort zone, and get me to be more creative and resourceful. Like this post. A month ago, it would never have crossed my mind that I had something to share, or, that anyone would take anything from it. Maybe they won’t, but I just wanted to put this out there, and say that I understand that it is not easy, but it’s worth it. Worth every second. If through my posts on self-development and my trials and tribulations, you learn something, and didn’t have to go through what I had to go through to get to the EUREKA moment, then that’s GREAT! That’s exactly what I wanted to achieve. I want you to know that I know what it is like to be trapped inside your own head, drowning in that dark cold sea of self doubt, and feeling the water fill up your lungs. Desperately kicking your legs underneath the surface of an ever-present current. It’s a bleak picture I paint here, but if there is a beacon of light in all of this, it is that you have a choice. You have a choice if you want this to continue. If you choose that this is not for you, and you are tired of swimming in that sea, and you want to get to shore, then you have given yourself hope. And when you have hope, then you’re on the right path to really living your life to the best of your ability. Because when you get on that shore, you already KNOW what you DON’T want. So now go and get the life that you DO want.
Thank you for listening.
G.
Gregg Leighton
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